welcome to my world of written word.
by c.h.ha
for ellie
August 4th, 2009 by Christine
My family came for a brief visit after they buried EL. I was surprised by my sadness when I saw them leave for the airport. They were continuing on their way to Orlando where the fourth brother lives.
My cousin QL was obviously broken up about the passing of his only child even though he didn’t show it outright. While he is usually talkative and cheery, he was quiet the whole time here. He had shaved his head to support EL’s chemo, but she never got a chance to start it. I was happy, however, to see his wife was holding up and smiling and laughing. I am amazed at their strength. She said it comes in waves–when they are busy and with each other, it helps. But because they had bought all their flights last-minute to Houston and Orlando, they all had to sit separately on the plane, and those few lonely hours of flight were difficult.
We want to thank everyone for the prayers and support. My family is grateful I have such a caring network of friends and church family. Please continue to pray for their strength and peace. Below is the latest 2 journal entries on the blog dedicated to EL:
Eulogy (written by Grandpa Dung): (my uncle)
Ellie came into our families like a shooting star : so bright, so brief, so beautiful! Like a shooting star, she lighted up our lives. One year of her being with us came and went like a blink of the eye. Like a shooting star, she disappeared from our lives so suddenly leaving a deep cut in our hearts like the trail of light the falling star slashes the sky. Just one year ago, we were so blessed with Ellie coming into our families. Our lives were suddenly brightened up. We were overwhelmed with happiness. We thanked God for our precious treasure bestowed upon us. Our lives were like a dream. Also, like being in a dream, we were scared with a lurking fear of waking up back to the dull reality without our little fairy.
Her angelic look, her fawn eyes, her gentle smile brought joys to our lives and warmth to our hearts. throughout Ellie’s short life, not once did she bother anyone; only joys and happiness shone from her, touching…embracing us all.
Except for her first few days of her life in ICU, Ellie had shown no signs of anything wrong with her. She started rolling over in her 5th month, sitting up in her 8th month. She slept through the night very early in life. She never showed any sign of pain. Yes. Sometimes she ran a temperature, but Tylenol brought is down easily…She was playing and laughing all the times. Sometimes she appeared to toss and turn in her sleeps, but not often. And it was hard to feed her milk…Only these were the unpleasant signs of her life.
Her first birthday marked the peak of our families’ happiness. We thanked God for giving us our Ellie. We prayed to God for Ellie’s good health. Our lives were so brimful with joys and gratitude. But all the times while she wass blessing us with her presennce, she was being eaten up by that horrible seed-of-disaster, cancer. It was horribly unfair, horribly wicked! Why an innocent child, so pure, so angel-like, had to suffer so cruel a fate? Why? Why? Then calamity struck! Only 2 days after the celebration of her very first birthday, our Ellie was hospitalized, being prepared for chemotherapy! Bad news after bad news drowned us all. Ellie was going to have major operation! She was in stage 4 of Neuroblastoma! We virtually collapsed. For the first time in her short life, Ellie had to go through series of scary medical tests…had her blood taken….times and times again ! It broke our hearts to see the surprised look on her face…in her eyes…as if asking us why they hurt her so…why we didn’t do anything to stop them…why we didn’t protect her fromthose cruel needles…why…why…why…? Ellie’s eyes looking up at us begging for protection will be haunting us forever ! We dare not cry…We tried to be funny for her to bear the pain while our hearts bled…and we suffered ten times the pains she was going through. We prayed to die for her right then and there so that she would return to her normal life just 3 days ago. Was this a reality, or was it only a nightmare ? Did doctors make mistakes in her diagnosis? Did wwe do right letting her go through all these painful procedures? The short happy time we just had with Ellie, was it only a mirage, an illusion? Is God our All-Mighty and loving Father?
Why did God let Ellie suffer like this ? Why did she have to die like this while she only brought jooys and happiness to others? Questions…Questions…Questions…?
We cannot find any answers. Only one thing we know, that is our little Ellie is now no longer suffering. And that is the only consolation we have in this darkest time of our lives. Ellie dear! This world is not yours. Yours is with angels beyond. You had come down here just to make us happy. We cannot hold you in our arms. But you are, and forever will be, in our hearts…till the day we will be together again…somewhere.
Goodbye, Ellie dear….for now!
To our sweet brave little Ellie,
From the first moment we first laid eyes on you, we instantly fell in love. You were the most beautiful baby we had ever seen. You looked back at us with those big bright eyes that made our heart melt. From that moment on, you became the most important part of our lives.
You brought us all the joy, happiness, and love, all the bests that mommy and daddy could ever ask for and much more!! You had an amazingly wonderful personality; everyone who met you could not help but fall in love with you. You had an unbelievable sweetness; we always wanted to hold you tight and never let you go. Your laughter was filled with pure happiness it brought us so much joy! You were always so easy-going, never caused any trouble. You smiled all the time and barely ever cried. Your grandma was even concerned that you didn’t cry, and thought it was so strange that our home was so quiet with a newborn baby. You were always such a happy baby!
Mommy and daddy are so proud to be your parents. Although you were so little, you taught us so much! You taught us a love so deep we never even knew existed! You filled our lives with so much laughter. No matter how exhausted we were, we could not help but smile with joy when we saw your cute face. Every time we would get upset with you for not eating, you would always smile at us and touch our face – there was just no way to be mad at you. Our life was so full happiness with you. We thank you for giving us the best year of our lives.
We never expected to have only 13 months with you. We wish we had more time with you, and that you had more time to experience life. We wish for you so many things. We wish we took you to more places, and take time off work more to play with you. We wish that we could see how beautiful and amazing you would be when you grow up. We wish you had the chance to grow up. We had made so many plans for your future, and can’t even imagine our future without you. We wish we had kissed you more, held you longer, and cherished each moment with you more.
Mommy and daddy miss you so much. We miss your big bright eyes looking up at us. We miss your big brilliant smile and laughter. We miss your voice. We miss your little fingers holding our hand. We miss your tight hug and cuddle. We miss your sweet baby smell. We miss you so dearly!
Our experiences of the past few weeks have taught us to put things into perspective. How short life truly is, and how you never know what will happen. We see how important it is to treasure each and every moment, and really appreciate each small thing.
You have been through so much – more than most will face over a lifetime.
During your last hours, we witnessed your incredible strength and courage which inspires us to find the strength within ourselves to continue living our lives without you.
This poem expresses our feelings in your last moments as we watched you go:
In tears we saw you sinking,
And watched you pass away.
Our hearts were almost broken,
We wanted you to stay.
But when we saw you sleeping,
So peaceful, free from pain,
How could we wish you back with us,
To suffer that again? It broke our hearts to
lose you, But you did not go alone,
For part of us went with you,
The day God took you home.
In honor of your loving memory, daddy will devote some of his time to neuroblastoma research and we will both dedicate our free time to help the amazing charities for children with cancer. If we could do anything to spare a little pain for even one family it would be so worthwhile. No family should have to go through what we had, and especially a child.
Your time with us was far too brief, and our lives without you will never be the same.
We miss you. We love you! You will live on in our hearts forever.
With all our love,
Mommy and Daddy
so sad. as a parent, i could never imagine burying my child. that poem is heart wrenching…above all this loss, they were able to experience the love of having and caring for a child, a completely immersive experience that is enriching on so many levels. my best to your family during this time.
Crap… couldn’t get myself to read all of it… for “fear” of crying out loud at work… that poem would definitely make any person (esp. a parent) cray in a heartbeat. Here’s to their new life ahead…
Crap… couldn’t get myself to read all of it… for “fear” of crying out loud at work… that poem would definitely make any person (esp. a parent) cry in a heartbeat. Here’s to their new life ahead…
I could not read the entire entry, my eyes are filled with tears.I have a 14 month old cousin with Pearson’s syndrome. They say he is “healthy” for now but fights every day. I cannot even image the pain and sadness. She is with god now.
this is a tough entry to read regardless of having any children or not. my prayers to you and your family…